I've typed this blog post over and over again because there is so much I want to share right now, but all the words I'm typing just don't feel like they give justice to everything. So, without trying to accomplish too much ,I'm just going to share what is on my heart about what has been going on in my life lately. I have also inserted some family pictures we took before Sansa was admitted to the hospital in August. I hope you enjoy the cheesy/goofiness as much as I do. :)
The person I am married to is transgender. I never expected to be married to a trans person, but I was also not shocked when Nikki told me a year and a half ago (it's feels like sooo much longer since). I was actually relieved when Nick said we needed to talk, because I thought he was going to tell me that he cheated on me. haha. Nick is now Nikki. Our personal relationship has hardly changed, but our perception in society by others has drastically changed. Nikki is still the same person I married and fell in love with. All the amazing aspects of this person are still there, and I love Nikki no matter what change in outward appearance has brought to our relationship. Nikki is my person.
The hardest part about this transition is how people, mostly family, have responded. It's been the hardest year ever, with losing some relationships that I don't know if I will ever get back, on top of Sansa's leukemia relapse. It felt like too much, and it often still feels that way. The hurt I have felt from a few family members feels like an open wound I walk around with, and with the holidays just passing without seeing them, the loss felt even more like salt in the wound. Every time I see some family's pictures on social media, I feel this pang all over again because I am missing out on their lives, and I am unsure if I will ever be a part of it again. It hurts...a lot because it feels like they are saying we don't want you to be here, our lives are better without you.
I've learned a lot over the past year, and I feel like I've changed as a person. I've learned to try and listen to my feelings and not push them down. I always thought that in order to be liked by people, I had to be this perfect person, which is insane because no one is perfect. But I pretended to be so that I could keep others happy. In reality, no one benefited from the fact that I ignored the negative feelings and kept an "everything is going to be fine, just think positive" attitude. I wasn't honest with myself, so I couldn't be honest with my partner, my friends, my coworkers, etc. I was pretty unhappy and I didn't know what to do. I started seeing a therapist. Which honestly, I recommend to everyone no matter what you are going through, because I think it is helpful to see someone and talk about life because man, it gets hard sometimes. I started to learn how to be more honest with myself, and acknowledged my feelings, good or bad. It's okay to feel crappy, because that's what makes sense in my current situation, and that doesn't mean the bad feeling will last forever. I have also learned that it's okay to feel two conflicting emotions at the same time (which makes me feel crazy. Haha). I can feel both rejection/abandonment while also feeling love/support.
In this feeling of loss/rejection/abandonment (I don't even know what to label it. haha), I've felt so much support from tons of people that I'm honestly just blown away. It's amazing how many people will show up to help you if you let them in and allow them to. If you sent me any encouraging messages or comments, just know that they mean the world to me and have helped me to keep going. This community in Baltimore that we have found continues to support and bless us and it really just blows my mind. This blogger/creative community is the same. I've never had a negative experience with anyone and everyone is always so kind and uplifting. It is something special to be a part of.
Another major aspect of my life that keeps me going is my faith in Jesus. It is crazy to me that every single person who has cut ties with us goes to church. This breaks my heart, because the church is called to love others unconditionally. Too many times people are hurt by others in the faith community. If you've ever felt that way, I want you to know that you are not alone and that Jesus loves you (I love you too). Its important to acknlowedge the hurt and pain of what was wrong, but also I encourage you to ask yourself what you believe about your faith and what is true to you. Being let down by others, feeling abandoned and rejected throughout my life has only helped me cling to Jesus even more, because He never fails. He is always consistent and loves me through anything and everything. When people fail me, God doesn't, and that is something that brings me so much comfort. Without Him, I honestly do no know how I would have been able to make it through this year.
Keep spreading light and love because you never know how much you will impact someone. It's interesting to me how much of a cycle kindness is. People have been supportive and loving to us which helps us to keep going and thus be support and loving to a whole different group who needs it and the cycle keeps going. Life is a beautiful mess. It's not easy and you don't know what will happen from day to day, but there are so many glorious moments to soak up. Don't miss them.
I love you all so much. Thanks for reading all of this mess. xoxo
Photos courtesy of Cast 83 Photography. You should hit them up if you are ever in the Baltimore/Washington area.
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